As some of you know, I have found attachment theory to be helpful in understanding relationships, security, and anxiety. There are tons of resources online that summarize attachment theory more eloquently than I can, a few of which I have linked below, and you may want to review before reading further:
- Podcast: A Framework for Improving Your Relationships with Dr. Amir Levine
- Article: How Attachment Styles Influence Romantic Relationships
- Book: Unlock Secure Love: A Guide to Healthy Relationships
In my experience, attachment style is not a static state but rather formed in relationship to others. In the past, when I was exploring polyamory I was simultaneously in an extremely secure and extremely anxiously attached relationship. This experience revealed to me that attachment style is co-created by who we are in relationship with, their attachment tendencies, and so many other contextual factors (ex. financial stress, connection to community).
While the online conversations about attachment theory are extensive, I worry that replicating the same theory over and over fails to account for the complexity and nuance of the human experience. For instance, how does attachment theory interact with neurodivergence? Or ethical non monogamy? The highly circulated Polysecure (by Jessica Fern) does fantastic job of discussing attachment style in the context of polyamory and inspired me to think more about attachment theory across different contexts.
Something I have yet to come across is a discussion about how attachment theory can apply to a relationship with a companion. I started to wonder, could this help people to understand the sometimes-stressful emotions that come up when feelings grow beyond the agreed upon container? Could attachment theory help clients to stay in the ‘secure’ zone and to avoid the challenges of anxious or avoidant attachment? While psychology is not my primary area of academic study, I wanted to offer some ideas about how this theory might apply in the hopes that it can inspire reflection and conversation.
What might secure attachment with a companion look and feel like?
- You look forward to time together.
- You feel clear on the container and feel grateful for what your companion chooses to share (or not share) about their personal life outside of escorting.
- You make commitments for future plans that are realistic, aligned with your financial means, and thoughtful (rather than impulsive).
- You communicate proactively if plans need to change.
- If a provider is kind and brave enough to share feedback, you receive that as a sign that she is committed to the relationship continuing and growing.
What could anxious attachment with a companion look like?
- You feel stress and anxiety when you have not heard back about an email about a future date, which may lead you to send numerous emails in a short amount of time.
- You feel a desire to ask increasingly personal questions – you want to know more than any other client.
- You frequently ask for reassurance and affirmation about your importance in a provider’s life.
- You fixate on a fantasy of having a non-professional relationship one day.
What could avoidant attachment with a companion look like?
In the moment, you feel excited about future plans and make suggestions for future adventures. After time together you leave feeling overexposed and vulnerable. You might have thoughts that a companion is just performing and has no genuine care for you. You would rather see a companion only one or a handful of times before moving on to someone new. You drop off in communication or avoid it for long periods of time.
Tipping into abuse
Whatever the underlying emotion, intending to boundary push, threaten, dox, or intimidate a companion is behaviour for which there is no excuse. If those thoughts or desires are crossing your mind, please seek immediate professional support in the form of a counsellor or psychiatrist. Even if attachment wounds have a role in the emotions leading to those thoughts, there is no excuse for any of those behaviours.
Find yourself in an anxious or avoidant attachment zone? There is no shame in recognizing those emotions! In fact, noticing them is the first step to making shifts which may increase your wellness. Personally, working on my relationship with myself and feeling fulfilled by my own life has had the greatest impact on shifting towards secure attachment. But that’s a whole other article…
If this article resonates with you, I would love to hear what strategies you have found helpful for keeping in the secure attachment sweet spot with a companion.
Until next time,
Brooke
