Over the past few years, I have noticed a trend where sex work is talked about, implicitly or explicitly, as a form of sex therapy. Personally, I find this concerning. As someone who has both been a counsellor and is currently working as an escort, I wanted to expand on my personal perspective about this.
I have been to therapy and had some transformative growth. I have also had some mediocre experiences. Regardless, when someone sees a therapist there is a reasonable expectation of standardized fees and adherence to certain ethical codes. Ideally, the therapist is prioritizing the best interests of the client and ensuring that their own biases and priorities are set aside.
a therapist should have practical and ethical responsibilities to intervene if a client is extending beyond their means, a sex worker does not.
In contrast, escorting is an unregulated business – upselling and extending dates is typically in the best interest of the provider as it means greater profits. Each worker will have their own ethical limits around upselling to a client who may be spending beyond their means. However, this is an example of why I become concerned with sex work being conflated with therapy. While a therapist should have practical and ethical responsibilities to intervene if a client is extending beyond their means, a sex worker does not. Notably, my concern about this also applies to life coaches and other non licensed healers who may overstate their qualifications and do not have a process for being accountable to complaints.
If someone is experiencing distress, struggling with their mental health, or needing an objective perspective, seeing an experienced counsellor with some speciality in their area of struggle can be an important step. I personally would not have achieved some of my most important milestones without the support of my counsellor. I have also had some profoundly therapeutic experiences in my life which impacted me just as much as therapy; for example, therapeutic use of psychedelics, pursuing creative hobbies, resolving painful conflicts. I absolutely believe that seeing a sex worker can be a healing and therapeutic experience which supports people to make major shifts in their self-worth, social anxiety, comfort with intimacy, and access to human touch. For me, the problem is conflating sex work and therapy.
Not everyone will need or want to see a therapist in their life – some people will find supports which are more meaningful to them such as journalling, spiritual or religious teachings, meditation, etc. Culturally, while we don’t call these things therapy, we generally recognize they can have substantial benefits. So why not acknowledge that time with a sex worker as another highly effective way to access intimacy, new experiences, and increased joy? Why must we fit sex work into the conventional ‘therapy’ box? To me, this diminishes both the unique power and gift of sex work while, potentially, undermining the importance of high-quality mental health support.
What if we lived in a world where sex workers were valued just as much as counsellors or therapists
On a highly personal level, I am often prouder of the work I do as an escort than the care I was able to provide my clients when working in underfunded, overcrowded, and strained mental health services. Many people are skilled and comfortable with providing talk therapy, fewer people have the skills and resourcefulness to do sex work. What if we lived in a world where sex workers were valued just as much as counsellors or therapists? Sex workers do not need to be ‘mental health professionals’ to be valued and important members of society. Such a way of thinking relies upon harmful hierarchies which position university educated and wealthy people as more knowledgeable than people who are rich in life experience, traditional knowledges, and surviving through difficulty (i.e. some of the smartest people that I know).
If you are looking for a provider with skills related to trauma, I have met many profoundly brilliant sex workers who have extensive experience and training in psychology, health, therapy, somatics, kink and more – what magic workers! However, when it comes to listing trainings and qualifications online, for many of us, it’s too risky to post about our education and training background as someone with nebulous intentions may use that information to harm us. For instance, an active sex worker who is also a massage therapist, acupuncturist, or counsellor could be reported to their regulatory college. I would offer that some of the workers with the most extensive trainings may have to be the most discrete about their experiences. The providers who choose to list specific trainings they have completed are brave subject matter experts who we should cherish!
If you are looking for a sexual professional, bodyworker, or therapist I suggest that, regardless of training and credentials, it is always wise to use critical analysis and to ask yourself some questions. Here are some things that I consider when I am determining if someone is a good fit for me:
- Have I reviewed their website in detail? Is it possible to book a discovery call, social date, or other method for learning more about them before engaging in the deeper work that I want to do?
- Does their website substantially engage with the concepts and theories they discuss using in their practice? Conversely, is it possible that they have included some buzzwords (ex. trauma-informed, somatic) because they are good for marketing?
- Does their communication align with their stated values? For me, timely and respectful communication is a must.
- Does the provider communicate boundaries to me? This is a major green flag. Anyone claiming to be able to ‘help with anything’ is not someone I feel comfortable working with.
- Is there enough information for me to feel comfortable that their approach is not only trauma-informed in practice but that they have experience applying these theories in the real world?
- Are they part of an association or practice community (ex. surrogate partner therapy, somatic sex education) that vouches for their skills? Do they have professional connections with other providers who I trust?
These thoughts are based on my observations and experiences as a former counsellor and current escort who thinks extensively about how to create nurturing and safe spaces for both myself and the people who choose to spend time with me. I expect that others in the community will have differing opinions; as sex workers we are a diverse group and this is only my opinion, at this moment in time. As a lifelong learner, I’m sure my feelings will continue to evolve alongside conversations with all of you.
Best,
Brooke
